How to Maintain a Happy Marriage? Expert Reveals 8 Key Secrets to Build a Fulfilling Relationship
Two people move through the stages from acquaintance, romance, to marriage, transforming from "I" to "we." Behind the sweet romance, a relationship requires mindful nurturing. Want to build a happy marriage? Dr. KWOK, Ka Yiu Daniel, Programme Director of the Bachelor of Counselling and Psychology (Honours) and Assistant Professor of the Department of Counselling and Psychology at Shue Yan University, shares the following eight tips to help "you" maintain a more blissful marriage!
Dr. KWOK, Ka Yiu Daniel, Programme Director of the Bachelor of Counselling and Psychology (Honours) and Assistant Professor of the Department of Counselling and Psychology at Shue Yan University.
1. Honour Commitments
Marriage not only signifies entering a new stage in life but also represents a commitment and responsibility to your partner. When exchanging the wedding vows, both parties promise, " I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in wealth and poverty, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life." Always remembering these promises and holding the intention to honour them is the most important first step in maintaining a happy marriage.
2. Make Your Partner Feel Loved at All Times
Love is the foundation of a marriage, so to keep the relationship fresh, it is important to ensure your partner feels loved and valued regularly. How to express love? Marriage counsellor and author Dr. Gary Chapman identified five love languages: words of affirmation, gift-giving, physical touch, acts of service (e.g., a massage), and quality time. Since everyone experiences love differently, it is key to observe your partner’s preferences in daily life and encourage two-way communication of your expectations. Avoid guessing and instead enjoy giving and receiving love more fully.
3. Build a Sense of Security
Providing security in a relationship helps promote a more harmonious marriage. Many conflicts between couples stem from a lack of security, which can lead to anxiety and distrust emotion and behaviour, such as checking each other’s phones or whereabouts. It can also manifest as concerns about finances or the future, expressed through blame or dissatisfaction. To build security, it is crucial to understand what causes your partner's unease through open communication. Allow him/her to express his/her feelings, and then provide reassurance to address the issue.
4. Understand Your Partner’s Background
Understanding your partner’s past, especially their family and upbringing, is crucial for a successful marriage. Dr. Kwok shared a case where a wife often suspected her husband of infidelity. Despite his efforts like reducing contact with female friends and involving her in his social circle, her insecurity persisted. It was later discovered that her lack of confidence stemmed from her childhood experiences. By understanding your partner’s background, you can better comprehend his/her behaviours and emotional needs, fostering a more harmonious and stable relationship.
5. Proactively Manage Family Relationships
Marriage is not just about two individuals; both families, and even your own children, significantly impact the relationship and should not be overlooked. Healthy family relationships provide valuable support, but when conflicts arise—such as issues between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law—the son should take the initiative to mediate, preventing escalation. At the same time, it is crucial not to neglect your partner while caring for your children.
6. Set a "Cooling-Off Period" for Conflicts
In any relationship, friction and arguments are inevitable. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman suggests the "5:1 rule," meaning for every negative interaction, it takes five positive ones to maintain a good relationship. A proactive approach is to avoid and de-escalate conflicts. During an argument, take a moment to step away and cool down. Dr. Kwok stresses the importance of agreeing on a time to revisit the issue; unresolved conflicts can build up over time. A cooling-off period allows for calmer, more rational discussions to resolve disagreements.
7. Don’t Use Compromise as a Solution
Marriage requires constant adjustment. Compromising too much is not always a sign of love and it can often lead to an opposite effect. When differences in habits or opinions arise, if one person constantly compromises and suppresses their feelings, the relationship is unlikely to last. Both partners must work together to resolve issues and find a mutually agreeable way to coexist, which is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.
8. Cultivate the Ability to Be Alone and Self-Heal
A happy marriage requires mutual trust and support, but it is equally important to be independent and develop "self-healing" abilities. Many tend to devote all their time and attention to their partner after marriage but neglecting themselves in the process. Dr. Kwok points out that after marriage, one should still find time for themselves and develop the "ability" to enjoy solitude. Being able to find personal happiness alone and manage negative emotions without relying on or venting to your partner is crucial. Pursuing personal hobbies or taking solo trips are great ways to foster independence and enhance this ability.
Marriage is a journey that requires effort and commitment. With mutual respect, understanding, and appreciation, both partners can make this journey even more fulfilling and joyful.